Personally, I found middle school to be a horrific experience-even in the 90s. To some, I may have looked like I had it all. But that was far from the case. However, watching my own child try to navigate relationships in a very different time from my own, is harrowing.
The heart of the matter is that our children are trying to grow and learn in an era where it is completely acceptable to verbally destroy one another under the guise of jokes. They are just joking. Except the things being said are direct blows to a growing heart and mind.
As an educator, my soul believes that children are good. And these behaviors are all centered around learning: learning how to survive, learning to navigate interpersonal relationships, learning their place in the bigger group, and learning what is and isn’t acceptable.
When we finally decided to give my middle-schooler a phone, we did so with very strict perimeters. We downloaded bark. We set restrictions on all apps and social media, safari, and contacts. We even placed restrictions that required approval for any contact to be added. This is precisely why.
I refuse to allow the critical voices that my child encounters during the school day to have any more access to my child at home. He needs a break from the cruel interactions of the day. It has been an eye-opening experience to sift through the bark notifications that come through. I receive alerts when my child says something inappropriate or concerning. But I also, receive notifications when others text something that flags the application. Reading through the messages is upsetting. It makes my heart heavy and sad to see the total lack of empathy and regard our kids have for even who they consider “friends.” The tone and harsh comments are, in my opinion, more than I would use with someone I don’t like.
I have encountered situations with my own children where they use language or act in a manner that I am certain they weren’t taught in my home. Whether they picked it up from YouTube, or a classmate, or social media, simply stating that we didn’t teach that does not negate the possibility that the behavior occurred. Nor does it signify that the behavior was taught in the home. Nevertheless, the behavior occurred.
Thankfully, I have encountered parents who respect and care for my children and/or myself enough to tell me when my children are acting out of the value system they know we strive for and allow me the opportunity to redirect and teach my child whatever lesson they still need to learn in these kinds of situations. I am so grateful when someone shares something about them that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. I have also encountered parents who were appreciative and accepting when I out of concern and respect reached out to them regarding their child’s behavior. Because, you see, it’s not an attack on the child’s character. It is simple education. It is feedback regarding a skill the child simply hasn’t learned or mastered yet, therefore requiring further instruction.
On the flip side, our reactions as their caregivers are a reflection of character. We are the parents. We are tasked with guiding and directing the children in our care. The second we become unwilling to do so, we fail them.
We all possess different value systems. And if kindness and respect are further down on the list, that is a personal right each family is entitled to. However, if we are truly concerned and perplexed about the catastrophic mental health crisis that is plaguing the youth in our society and communities yet unwilling to face this head on, therein lies the problem. How could our babies live in this situation and not experience side effects?
Schools are -from my experience- doing their best to combat as much of this as possible. One adult per 25-30 children, doesn’t lend itself to great odds for catching all manner of behavior nor intense character instruction. WE are responsible for teaching our children character and interpersonal skills. In no world are they capable of learning it without our very intentional guidance.
If we aren’t willing to confront these issues, our kids will only continue to suffer and become increasingly more desperate. They need us to be the adults. If you would like direction on how to become more involved and aware, feel free to reach out. I promise, I am cheering for your child just like I am my own.
Stay safe.
Shalom.