Being a girlfriend in my younger years, it was about remembering one another’s birthdays, making my friends feel special, being there after a break-up to listen to the tearful woes of a love gone bad. But being a friend changes. I don’t know what I did right, but God has armored me with the best friends I am certain I do not deserve. I am surrounded by women who love Him and me fiercely. These women are incredible and beautiful. And I cannot imagine my path without any of them. They are each special, each bringing something unique to my life.
I wasn’t prepared for the change though. In younger years we become protectors of their hearts. In our 20s, if you hurt our friends we will fight. We will stand up for them. We will protect them. We will tell them what they need to hear to feel better. That’s what we are supposed to do.
But the variables change. In adulthood, the stakes are different. Our needs are different. This list isn’t compiled of the things I necessarily eloquently do. But they are the things that I and the irreplaceable women in my life have done that have proved to allow our friendships and other relationships to flourish.
- Listen. This is different than before. Sometimes she needs you to listen without judgement. She needs you to be mad when she is mad and be over it when she is. She doesn’t need you to form opinions about her husband or companion. She just needs a safe place to lay her frustrations down.
- Be honest. This one is tricky. She doesn’t always need your opinion. Often, she doesn’t. But I have some wonderful ladies that taught me that honesty was from love. And if your intentions are pure, be honest.
- Understand the big picture. So he’s lame. Yep. Really lame. Ok. But the stakes are high when we have homes, husbands, and children. The big picture isn’t always simple. It’s not even always pretty. But our job as friends is to help her remember what is important. And help her remember the big picture when she is overwhelmed with her own feelings. And to help her figure out a way to get there.
- Pray. If you love them, pray for them.
- Give them time. I struggled with post-partum depression. I wasn’t myself. My girlfriends were always there to give me time. Time to remember me. I’m certain it wasn’t ever convenient, but when I decided I was in the mood for girl-time, they made it happen. And it made All the difference to me.
- Let them guide their ship. Shew. This one was the hardest for me to learn. God gave them their families. And now am I certain He will tell them how to take care of them. When they ask questions about leaving or divorce, direct them to God. Those decisions can only be made through prayer and meditation.
- Show grace. If she loves him/her, show them grace. She doesn’t need you to make her feel guilty for trying to save her family. And she doesn’t need the added stress of having to fear interactions between her family and best friends. She needs you to love her enough to show grace, even if you think he stinks.
- Accept honesty. Hear your friends. Respect them. Respect their honesty. If you love them enough to hold them dear, let them tell you the truth. We are all assholes sometimes. And sometimes, we need someone to tell us.
Being an adult friend is tricky. It’s difficult to navigate. It’s unnatural in a lot of ways. It is love that calls us to jump to defend one another. But we have to love one another enough to be the person she needs us to be. And sometimes, that is silent. And sometimes, that is to tell her that her outfit is unbecoming. Or maybe even, that her husband is right, and she is being unreasonable. Thank you to my women, my sisters. I love you each deeply.
❤ Shalom
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