This post is likely never to see the light of day. More likely than not, I’ll never have the courage to post it. But I have to say it. Because my heart is BROKEN.
Tonight, after putting my sweet babies to bed I came downstairs to have some conversation time with my husband. We talked about the day and giggles at the kids silly Halloween antics. He went to bed, and I did my ritual social media screening. My settings are set to be silent when I get messages because as a teacher, my family would never have me if I didn’t. When I happened upon my Instagram I had a message. I clicked to see if it was something hilariously funny from one of my girlfriends…..but it wasn’t. It was a brief message from a student. This is a student I have become very attached to, a student I have deep love and appreciation for. And her message was simply, that she wouldn’t be back, and that she loved me.
This is it. This moment when my heart broke. She can’t leave. But it’s not about me. I’m certain she needs us ( the support system God has created for her) at GHS. She needs to be the one place, the one place in her entire life where the world made sense. The one place where (in the first time in her life) she felt unconditional love, and tomorrow……she will be gone. My husband came downstairs to comfort me because he could hear my hysteria. He could hear my cries and heartache from an entirely different floor of our home. He didn’t know what he was walking into; all he knew was that he left me moments before and I was fine, and now he could hear me in complete hysterics.
This is the part that no one sees about teachers. The part where we have tests due for classes we are taking to further our education, we have children who need a mommy who is present and not distracted, we have husbands who need us to be present. And yet, we are sitting at our kitchen islands at 1am trying to desperately figure out how to save someone that we have no legal ability to save. We are crying. We are scrambling. We are still trying to save our babies.
We watch them. We love them. We comfort them. We follow them. We gently watch them grow. We give them space to grow. We search for them when they are missing. We abandon our families if that is what it takes to save them from despair. We love them fiercely. And then in one message, they are gone. I am not political. But for those of you who aren’t close to a teacher, let me explain why all of this is so important.
My soul is crushed. I cannot imagine letting go of this student. I have 80+ students that will be waiting for me to show up in the morning. I have three babies who will need me to make sure that their school, Halloween, and party needs are met. Yet, I am sitting here. I am unable to sleep. I am unable to think about anything but the loss of these kids. My husband knows me well enough that he hugged me, held me, and listened to me cry hysterically. And then, he went to bed. Because in 13 years he has learned that sometimes, there will be no sleep in our home. Sometimes, he cannot heal my heartache. He knows my heart. He knows that these children that he has never laid eyes upon and will never know anything about, take up such a vast space in my heart that he has to just let me be.
I am sad. I am angry. This shouldn’t even be. But it is. It is heartache. It is love. It is life. But I’m so broken right now I can hardly lift my head.
So the next time you see something snarky posted about teachers and benefits and politics… think about reality. To be honest, I don’t have time to care about what they are trying to portray. I don’t have time because I am out there doing. Please know… that any given night, somewhere there is a teacher sobbing, and his/her family is longing and without. That there is a teacher completely devastated by the state of the world, her students’ world, her inability to save them, or the loss of a beloved student that she is left empty and broken. Her husband and family are left without a mother, because she is so incredibly, emotionally invested that in the sight of losing them…….she falls. She breaks. They are all left with a hole. A brokenness that these poor family members will never understand but yet are no less impacted by.
People can call me spoiled. They can say I don’t deserve whatever….to be honest, none of that matters. Because tonight I can’t lie down. I can’t lie down in bed because my heart won’t stop jumping. My heart leaps around in my chest every time I think about losing this student. Every second I can’t stop thinking about these babies. These babies that so desperately need someone to love and protect them. Take my retirement. Take it. To be honest, I won’t miss it for years and years anyway. And once again, my family and I will be the ones to suffer. But if I have to make a choice, I choose grace. I choose love. Tonight, the only things that are hurting are my heart, my soul, my students, my husband, and my children. As I sit here in the early morning hours, those —- things are secondary. My job requires that I be present whether the benefits are there or aren’t. While many are sleeping, I can promise that every night there are teachers…. not sleeping.
If you pray, please pray for your teachers–the ones you have and the ones you don’t. Please pray that they can find the strength to love and keep fighting . Let’s face it, if we quit fighting for our kids, the outlook is grim. Pray for our families. Pray that they can understand and find grace in the fact that they must share their parents’ hearts with broken children they might never know. Pray that there is enough of me left over to have something to give them.
Pray for grace.
❤️ Shalom