Month: January 2023

Yesterday I sat down in a beautiful auditorium to witness a beautiful moment. The church reserved seating for family and friends to observe the life-changing proclamation my son made to follow Christ.

There were 20 seats reserved for our group. And we were pressed to fit. Almost immediately after taking my seat, the grief sunk in. And an amount of loneliness. Of all of the 20 seats, only one of those was filled with a member from my family of origin. The others were my husband’s family and our close friends. Overwhelmed with joy and gratitude for those surrounding us and grief for those who didn’t, I cried. And I cried. And I cried.

Most of us are familiar with grief. And the experience is different for every person and even the same person in different circumstances. The grief I experienced with the loss of my first love, my grandfathers, and my exquisite grandmother all come with immense sadness partnered with joyful memories and experiences. Remembering each can bring me comfort and happy memories at times.

But grieving the living has been a very different experience for me. Sometimes we are separated from relationships due to necessary circumstances. And we grieve the loss of that loved one and deep down wish things could be different. They could be there, but they can’t.

In other circumstances, we grieve something we never had. We might not grieve the person as much as the relationship or bond that was never formed. The empty space in our hearts for a father we never knew or a mother we never had. A mentally ill parent or an alcoholic family member……We can make peace with the boundaries we set. We can make peace with having no contact with those that hurt us. Some of them we miss. Some of them we do not. But it is in moments like my son’s baptism that I believe we will always grieve the empty seats, even of the living.

It’s in these moments we can be starkly reminded of the gaping holes in our family or childhood. And the empty seats likely symbolize great pain and loss -for many of us- over a lifetime. We can grieve what we never had.

Unlike the living, I didn’t grieve my grandmother’s passing in that moment. Because my grandmother was there. She was there in the love and grace she showed me. She was there in me. And in my children.

An important exercise in yoga is allowing oneself to experience polarized emotions at the same time. Grief and joy. The tears running down were filled with both. Joy for the ones God so sweetly provided to fill those seats for my baby. Grief for the ones not present. Joy for the beauty of watching my child begin his eternal journey with Jesus and the hope that brings. Comfort in the knowledge that God can and does fill the empty spaces in His way.

If you are grieving the living today, you are not alone. And know, that it is okay. Grief is hard and overwhelming. But it absolutely can be felt in the exact same moments as joy if we can find a way to allow them both in.

Much much love ❤️ and blessings.

Last night at a little league basketball game, I sat four feet from a large man with a booming voice who yelled repeatedly for his child to get my child……every time. After the second time the young boy, who kept looking to his father for direction, took my son to the ground on a layup I finally started to say, “that’s my baby.”

I continued to cheer for the young boys on both teams -his included- when they made good plays or shots. Because win or lose, those are LITTLE boys who are all out there to have fun and are playing their little hearts out.

Being aggressive as a player takes skill. Hurting other players to win, takes none. There is such irony in the fact that so many adults are concerned with the state of our society: bullying, violence, youth suicide, mental illness, and addiction. Yet, we are more than willing to encourage our children to prioritize winning over people….even expect it in some cases. And stand scratching our heads when they go to school or get on social media and treat one another hurtfully.

If you are a parent or coach who encourages bending the rules, pushing, stomping, or any of the like so your team takes away the W, hear me say……..sports aren’t real. Sports ARE NOT real.

This might be a good time to reflect. We might be unknowingly getting caught up in the moment and acting in a manner that is opposite of our true belief system.

If you jump up and down and scream at the court or field in a way that isn’t encouraging or positive……if your yells aren’t cheers…..you are a bully. You are a grown person screaming at a young child, period. And every child on that court or field deserves to be out there without being bullied by adults.

I saw a child get out on third base last year. He lay on the baseline and pounded the base with his fists. It was unnerving and upsetting to watch. And when he walked off the field, I completely understood why he had reacted that way. I assume it was his father that screamed at him in a way that chilled my spine, “why did you do that?!” After hearing his father yell that way, I decided I might have reacted the same way as that little boy. He knew that because he was out, he was about to face fury.

I have an aggressive child. He can be fiercely competitive. I always fear him being drafted onto the team of a coach that won’t temper that in him. With the slightest encouragement, my son can become an insatiable monster who can’t handle losing. Another parent asked me how I get my boys to stay so calm in sports. Let it be known they have their moments. We are far from perfect.

Someone gave me a book about raising boys years ago. The author communicated the true benefits of sports to society in the development of young men and the direct benefit of allowing healthy aggression and team comradery to combat violence. Boys that are allowed to be aggressive and competitive in a healthy manner express their anatomical need for aggression and therefore have less need for violence to relieve their innate tension.

Here’s the truth. We persistently tell our children that sports are not real. That always winning or always being the best isn’t a real thing either. They will win. They will also be outplayed. They will strike out. And thinking anything else will lead them to a lifetime of heartache. We tell them that sports are meant to be a fun outlet for children to PLAY and learn. Not learn how to be a superstar. To learn: how to listen to direction, to be a good teammate, to work together, to rely on others, to learn how to work for something, to learn how to win, to cheer for others when they succeed, to learn how to lose, to learn how to be a good person, to keep your cool when things are hard, to get up when you mess up or get knocked down. So many wonderful things to be learned on that court or field.

It is absolutely understood in our home, that the second sports stop building character or making you a better person, they have lost their genuine purpose and will no longer exist for us.

The adults are the teachers. If we are so distorted in our priorities that winning becomes the focus, our children will have the same. The mentality that I’m gonna get mine no matter what it takes can be directly traced to the total lack of consideration for others that is the devastating philosophy driving the catastrophic state of our children. Unfortunately, they aren’t even in the driver’s seat. They are pawns being used by us to further this toxic belief system. Yet, we can’t figure out why they are so apathetic, mean to one another, depressed, angry, anxious…..

Sit down. Just sit down. Cheer for them. Let them see you cheering for them. Let them be children. Let them learn the things they could be learning that will inevitably make their world a better place. If we want our kids to live in a world where people are considerate, hard working, team players, honest, kind, where people value one another, and all of the things listed above, little league is a great place to start.